|Her fist picture! She has been bright-eyed ever since!|
|My first picture with her. Although I still look drugged up, I was in complete heaven with her in my arms.|
|She has completely stolen Adam's heart.|
When I was first able to meet Caroline, it was the most incredible feeling. The feeling was almost unreal. I think between my lack of sleep, the drugs I was on, the adrenaline from the experience, and her actually being here, I was kind of floating in this euphoria. I remember looking at her, and still do, thinking how amazing she was and I couldn't stop looking at her.
When we were finally able to come home is when it felt more real and not in a bad way. We were finally able to settle into our new life together without nurses and doctors around. We have been fortunate to have my mom with us for our first week back. I am especially thankful for this since having a c-section. She has helped us get up at night with Caroline, make us meals, and just simply enjoy being a grandma with her.
The lack of sleep has obviously been an adjustment. Between that and my hormones going crazy, I have been very emotional and at times questioning if I am doing everything I can to be a good mother. This feeling is especially strong when it comes to breastfeeding.
All of my friends who exclusively breastfeed have told me that the first two weeks are the most difficult but if you can push through, it will be a breeze. I am not sure what I was expecting from it and I went in knowing it wouldn't be easy right away. What I find most difficult is remaining calm and not letting my exhaustion take over when she is crying, I am trying to position myself, etc. Adam has really been incredible with me during this and does whatever he can to make it easier for me.
The other piece we have been struggling with is sleep. We knew we weren't going to get a lot of it but what has been difficult is she will fall asleep fairly easily but when we put her down, she wakes up and starts fussing and crying within about 10 minutes. I do not want her to get used to being held while she sleeps so I think this is going to be another phase that we have to push through with her.
Her first night home, I was paranoid about having her sleep on her own in her crib in a different room. The "what ifs" started flooding my mind. What if she chokes on her spit up? What if we don't hear her cry? Again, what made this worse was my lack of sleep. Her second night at home has been much easier for me and she is actually sleeping better in her crib.
Between the lack of sleep and the difficult time breastfeeding, I feel like I have had a fairly good attitude. There are times when I am holding her or when she nestles into her spot on my chest, that I am overwhelmed with how grateful to God I am for her and I still cannot believe she is mine. I will give up several sleepless nights to have that feeling with her.